junesleep

I am quite unsure of how to begin. This is an introduction post, so I guess I should talk a bit about who I am and why I'm making this little online journal.

As of right now, I'm not entirely comfortable with sharing my real name, so I guess I'll go by June for now, simply because I like that month. I am a man, I am in my early 20s, and I feel very out-of-sync with other people my age. I feel like I am in a cognitive place that is slower and I struggle to do things that others find easy. It's just how my brain is wired. Speaking of brain wiring, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder a few years ago, but it is something I have struggled with in different forms all throughout my life. The disorder, or maybe just my brain, makes it difficult to communicate with others. I misinterpret what they are saying or it all gets jumbled up in my head, and I don't know how to respond. Sometimes conversation just feels too overwhelming to my senses and I can't respond. I have always been a very quiet person, someone who doesn't speak out when I need help or when I have an issue with something. I just endure it quietly by myself. I don't want to burden others.

I like older things, some forms of new technology I simply can't grasp. In this fast-paced, high tech world I process things too slowly. So sometimes I prefer children's shows and books because it is less taxing on my brain. I handwrite things in a journal, I try to write something every day. I don't know if I'll be as diligent on this online journal, but it wouldn't hurt to try. I may post my drawings and photos I've taken as a little addition to my writing. This isn't my first dreamwidth, but my first one is more dedicated to my fan fiction and other fandom stuff. This is going to be a bit more personal. I also have a website under the same name, but I have not updated it in quite a while, so it is out of date.

I live in the west coast of the United States, and I have lived here my whole life. I am interested in other countries, most notably Japan, but I have never travelled outside of the US. I am in a community college, where I am getting an associate's degree in environmental studies. I don't really know what I want to do for my future, what job I want to get or where I want to live. I have never had a job before.

Recently, as the fall semester has wrapped up and I've finished all my final exams and projects, I've experienced a huge wave of anxiety and paranoia. It feels like I don't have the ability to relax, my body is on hypervigilant mode. It feels as though I am constantly running out of time or that I won't have enough time to finish all my tasks before Christmas. I don't think the holiday season and all of the pressure around this time has been helping. I live with my family still, which I am grateful for, but that comes with its own stresses. I'm hoping that this online journal helps me get out all these emotions, since I've always been better at writing than speaking.

Well, that's all for now, I think! I'm going to try and take it easy now. Maybe do some meditation or read or something. Hoping I can stop ruminating over all my current stressors and the future.