junesleep

Spirituality

Tue, 09 Jun 2026 03:52:01 GMT

I have been exploring a bit more with my spirituality. Reading lots of books in my current interest, which is witchcraft. But sometimes the language in the books is hard for me to grasp. I found a "teen book of shadows" book by Patricia Telesco. It has been interesting, and a bit easier to read. What's funny is that I have been practicing some form of paganism on and off since I was a teenager. I've never felt very drawn to Christianity unless I was experiences psychosis. Nothing against Christianity, it's just not for me. But what is it with psychosis and Christianity? Some of the most popular delusions in western culture are thinking you are God/being spoken to by God or thinking you are the Devil/being spoken to by the Devil. When I've been psychotic, I have had thoughts that something is satanic in me or that certain historical figures were Jesus reincarnated. It's just interesting, I wonder why it is so common, even among people who aren't Christians.

Summer break has officially started for both me and my sibling. It has been nice to stay up late and sleep in, but I am already losing track of the days. It surprised me this afternoon when I realized it was Monday! I am thinking of reading Stuart Little, which I have not read in many years. I forgot my family had a copy, but it was in my sibling's room.

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Caretaking

Sun, 31 May 2026 01:13:13 GMT

Hello! I thought I should update on my situation from my last post. I am fully medicated now, the paranoia and odd beliefs aren't pressing issues anymore. I have been dealing with pretty bad evening anxiety and depression, which I learned from a bipolar book is called "reverse diurnal mood variation." I guess this is the trade-off with my meds. I've been managing it by distracting myself and not staying up as late.

This post is called Caretaking because I am currently helping support my younger sibling through a knee injury! Since Wednesday, they haven't been able to move around and do things like they usually can. Luckily, the pain isn't so bad anymore, but their mobility is still affected and they are using crutches. I have been a great help taking care of them. Sometimes it is helpful to think of it like how Ruby takes care of Max in the show Max and Ruby, which is a show I really enjoy. She is an inspiration to me, as an older sibling who takes care of our younger sibling.

I finished that Nancy Drew book! I have been reading at a slow pace. To avoid overwhelming myself. I am slowly reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Right now, I think I have lost the ability to read quickly and with sustained attention, especially long, older books like this one. But I am not in the mood to read modern books! So I'm not putting pressure on myself. If it takes me three months to finish this book, then it takes me three months. I'm enjoying it though, it is a lot funnier than I expected it to be. I've been drawing a bit too, sketching with graphite pencils. I will try sharing some of my drawings.

Thank you for reading.

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Thu, 21 May 2026 15:26:54 GMT

Hello, I have been very busy with school work. The semester is ending, though, and I'm nearly done with my assignments.

I'm going through a pretty difficult time. For the past week or so I hadn't been on my meds, and I was starting to get scared of them. I thought they were poison. I also had/have the belief that there is evil sin inside me, but that isn't as strong. I'm not a very religious person, and I more lean into Buddhism than anything else right now. But I was just feeling horrible. I talked with my therapist, which was nice. And I got all my meds refilled so I'm trying hard to take them on time.

It feels weird sharing this stuff online. I sometimes question why I'm putting all this personal information out there. Internet safety and all that, you know? But anyway I also went to the library and checked out a Nancy Drew book, The Sign of the Twisted Candles. I just started it so I don't know that much about the mystery, but it is a Nancy Drew book so I'm enjoying what I've read so far. I also did a puzzle, called Love of Sharks. It came with this educational poster that had the names of all the sea animals.

The picture looks pretty small but if you click on it the photo will look better.

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Switching from Google

Wed, 18 Mar 2026 16:21:06 GMT

Hello, I'm pretty happy about this so I wanted to share. I've always preferred Firefox because I have pretty big privacy concerns about Google and stuff like that. Firefox has really stood out in my mind because of their focus on privacy, less distracting additions, and against the selling of personal data. I really respect it for that. But for the longest time I had two browsers: Firefox, the one I would use for fun fandom stuff, and Google, the one I would use for more personal stuff. It was always a hassle going between them and I had my dislike of Google and setting up a second account on Firefox was always so much trouble to do.

But just today, and I don't know if they updated this to make it easier or what, I was able to download all my bookmarks and passwords to a SEPARATE Firefox account! Now I have two accounts on this browser! I'm so happy about it. Now I just need to log in to everything I need. It's been so nice, though.

Update from 9:48 PM -- I did something else! I experimented on my old laptop by switching over the system from Windows to Linux Mint. It took three hours of troubleshooting and MANY restarts of that poor old laptop, but I got it working! I was so proud of myself, even though I don't fully know how to use it or how it will benefit me. But my laptop seems to be working pretty quickly. Just to put into perspective how old this laptop is: it couldn't update past Windows 8.1 and I had to deal with slowness and other issues. It's so interesting to work with a different system. I also like that it gives me an opportunity to test out if it would be worth switching over my newer, current laptop over to Linux.

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Some art

Sat, 14 Mar 2026 06:05:01 GMT

I have had a difficult time writing, so my therapist and I figured art would be a good outlet. So I drew this bulbasaur. Bulbasaur is my absolute favorite pokemon, I think they are so adorable and I just love the design. For Christmas in 2025 my siblings got me a bulbasaur plush that is actually quite big. I like to think of it as a real life bulbasaur sometimes :)

Please click on the image to see it with better quality. I am still unsure how to post images on this blog and make them look nice.

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Back on medication, trying to do normal things

Tue, 10 Mar 2026 16:16:18 GMT

I'm finally back on all my meds. It will take a while for them to be fully effective, but I'm glad to be on them again. I was starting to feel really out of it and my concentration was super bad. I still feel quite strange and anxious about leaving the house. But I'm at school so I'm going to try and go through my normal routine. This past week I have not been great about doing my schoolwork. It has been hard to write or read or draw or do anything. Hopefully a week from now I will be feeling a lot better!

Another thing I need to prioritize is getting on a stable insurance. I'm on my parent's insurance, but my parent has changed jobs multiple times these past few years and it has been a hassle to constantly change things. It would be a massive weight off my shoulders if I was on my own stable insurance. I asked about it on Reddit, and someone suggested getting state healthcare. I think that person might be right. I've looked at the official website and it seems a bit confusing. I don't know if I will qualify because of my complicated family situation. But I should try. I have also considered going on disability for a meager income, because getting a job that I can do without triggering severe symptoms feels impossible. I can't work that many hours and there are weeks where I can't be around many people. My psychiatrist said I should find a place that I can work two or three days a week at for a couple of hours, but I have never gotten a reply to anywhere I apply to. And the one time I called a grocery store asking about a job and telling my hours, I basically was told I wouldn't be a good fit. Also I don't have the most reliable transportation, I don't drive. I want to try working before I write it off as impossible and go on disability. I feel like I owe it to myself to at least try.

Because I have been so unwell, my diet has not been the best. Eating out a lot, eating processed foods, etc. It would be nice to cook more homemade meals. Hopefully I will be feeling better and make more of my own food.

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New CD

Tue, 03 Mar 2026 16:32:21 GMT

Hello! It is finally March. My birthday is coming up soon. I got myself an early birthday gift, the newest CD by the artist Mitski. I really like her and I have almost all her albums as CDs.
I have listened through this new album only once, but I really enjoy the songs Where's My Phone and In A Lake. It feels like a pretty sad album, but I still enjoy it.

I'm still struggling. I don't feel as depressed, but I haven't been on my medications in a while. I need to ask my dad to pick it up for me, because I don't have a car. It's been hard to ask. It's been hard to do anything. I feel frequently confused. And I don't like being around strangers right now because it feels like they're all looking at me or touching me and it makes me uncomfortable.

I am going to take it easy today. Or try to at least.

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February is still a winter month!

Tue, 17 Feb 2026 07:34:47 GMT

We're having a winter storm where I live, a strange turn after the sunlight and warmth we got last week. It's been raining all day today and it will be like that for the rest of the week. Our dog has not enjoyed the idea of doing his business in the rain. We've been taking advantage of the breaks to let him out. This feels like winter is coming to an end and this is one of the season's final hurrahs. I can only hope that spring will arrive soon.

Mentally I have not been doing well this past week. I've been experiencing low lows, and I found myself falling into destructive habits. Sometimes I really don't know what's wrong with me. Ah, but I won't mope around here. However, this unfortunately means I have no new artwork to share or anything of the sort. I've been quite busy with school. I'm taking a Japanese class! That's been pretty fun. Although, the class overwhelms me a bit. Not the subject matter, but the actual class. The teacher is very nice and personable, and he has a very relaxed attitude with the class speaking and making jokes. But for me, I've never felt comfortable around too-chill teachers. I just want to focus on the work, and I don't mind the odd joke every now and again (I mean, I don't do too well around super strict teachers either!), but I worry that a lot of the teaching time is being taken up with commentary and jokes. I like the class though, I really do.

I feel very odd. I worry that I have nothing interesting to share and that I'm oversharing at the same time. I have a lot of mental issues that make doing everyday tasks really challenging. Using the Internet can be challenging because of how much it triggers my anxiety. I have to remind myself to take life one day at a time and to work within my limitations. Pushing myself is all well and good, but I have to remember that chronic stress isn't good on the human body. Eventually my body will get sick and force me to stop pushing myself. I don't want it to get that far, you know?

I've been thinking of writing some poetry. I haven't really written much poetry, I'm more used to writing little narratives. I think my poems will be quite bad. But maybe it will be okay to share them. I'll also try to add more photos in the future. I think that will spice up these posts a bit more. Thank you for reading.

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Leaving behind social media

Tue, 20 Jan 2026 23:18:01 GMT

For a long time now I have had issues with social media. I don't like how I feel when I'm using it, I don't like having my privacy invaded, and I don't like how violence and rude language is so common. I'm a pacifist at heart and it hurts how people can be so cruel when they think they're anonymous. (They're not really. The website owners who have all their data could track them down easily). So I've been weaning myself off of it. First was in 2021, when I got rid of TikTok and Twitter. I got rid of Twitter before it became X and it became popular to get rid of it! I keep coming back to Instagram and then leaving it, mostly because that was where I had a group chat with my friends. But now that we have a group chat on Telegram, I got rid of Instagram off my phone. I am slowly leaving it behind, though sometimes my friends still send me posts they find funny. I used Pinterest for a time, but moreso as a magazine that I was making "collages" out of, if that makes sense. I don't use it anymore. My only social media vices these days are YouTube and Twitch, which I use for entertainment. But they're technically social medias aren't they?

I want to be offline. I'm tired of being plagued by who's mad at who, what problematic thing this artist said, why we're all mad at this one influencer. It all seems so stupid and distracting from things that really matter, like family, mental health, spiritual fulfillment, friendships, community. I've been using the Internet since I was 9 years old-- maybe even younger on the family computer! I'm slowly getting used to the idea of being an Internet outsider. It pleases me when my friends or siblings bring up something from the Internet and I am completely unaware of it, and when they tell me it just strengthens my reasonings for staying away from it all. Also, I am easily influenced by stuff on the Internet. It's about time I admitted it to myself. It triggers paranoia and insecurity and rumination. I never feel like I'm enough. Or I feel like I have no control over myself, and I need to copy what any random influencer is talking about. It's hard to know what is truly me and what is the Internet's influence.

That may have gone deeper than I meant it to. I guess the only social media I am currently using is YouTube, Twitch, and posting randomly on this Dreamwidth when there is something I want to write about.

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Working on my website

Mon, 29 Dec 2025 22:03:14 GMT

I've spent quite a bit of time working on my personal website. I've had it since mid-2024, and I've been working on it on and off since then. I originally made it when I had surgery and knew I wouldn't be able to do many activities. Well, coding is a very calm activity that I didn't need to move much to do, so that's why I started it. I'm still not quite sure what I want to do with it, I'm sorta just putting together different elements I like. I've been searching through all sorts of other websites to get inspired. You can visit my website here.

It's not very clean looking. It takes me a while to practice coding in html and css. But I'm pretty happy that I have a website to call my own.

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Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Thu, 25 Dec 2025 18:53:24 GMT

Today is December 25th, Christmas Day. I exchanged gifts with my family and my friends will be coming over soon so I can give them their gifts too. I hope everyone is having a good day with their friends and family.

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Doing much better

Tue, 23 Dec 2025 23:37:23 GMT

As the Christmas season reaches its peak, I find myself being less stressed about everything. I have this ongoing mantra in my head of "Everything will work out" and really just accepting everything that happens during my day. Not spending too much mental energy on worries and anxieties. My paranoia has gotten a lot better. I am simply enjoying myself, not putting too much pressure on myself at all. There's simply no reason to. It is the start of winter, I have close to zero true responsibilities, and I'm just existing.

One of my most frustrating habits is that I always feel like I need guidance on being a person, on being an adult, on just existing. I am always looking for a new book that promises it will teach me how to be myself or be happier or be happy with being minimalist or whatever. Or I find a string of YouTube videos about what aesthetics I should have or how I should behave or what is trendy with the world. And I always feel stretched in a million directions because I'm following all of these self-help guides at the same time. I've spent so much time doing this that I sometimes worry that I don't know myself. It can be scary.

But in 2026 I am saying "no" to self-help guides. I am not going to let self-improvement books or videos or social media dictate what I like to do or who I am.

I wish I had more drawings to share, but the new sketchbook I am using is different from my old one and I am getting used to it.

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Some drawings the last few days

Wed, 17 Dec 2025 20:03:33 GMT

I've been drawing quite a bit lately.

This last one is more of a vent, to express how I feel trapped by anxiety and paranoia and fear. Like I can't do anything at all.

I talked to my therapist, which was helpful. She suggested talking with my psychiatrist and also to consider going to support groups with my family for mental illness. So now I'm going to be bringing that up with my family.

Another thing is I have to learn to trust other people. That they can manage their emotions and their problems, and I don't have to take over responsibility for their problems. It is hard to not do this, because it's something I've been doing for nearly a decade, at least. I can be a little controlling in that way, because I am so anxious people I love are going to get in trouble, or feel stressed, or just plain do it wrong. But I have to let that go. I don't want to be in my seventies one day feeling like I didn't live my own life, that I spent my life in service of others without any care for myself. Ugh. These feelings are hard. The paranoia has been less present, at least. Still a looming feeling of dread and anxiety, but I don't feel like people are going to hurt me all the time now.

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Looking Back on my Restful Sunday

Mon, 15 Dec 2025 17:54:00 GMT

Now that my school semester has finished and I am on winter break, I have to find things to do to keep myself busy. That's one of the ways to keep myself from falling into a motivation-less depression spiral. On Sunday I simply rested, read a bit of Nancy Drew: Nancy's Mysterious Letter, and I watched quite a bit of YouTube. YouTube is one of the only social media websites I can't go without. I also drew some stuff. I haven't drawn in a while, but I wanted to get that feeling of accomplishment after finishing a piece. This drawing is of my cat character, who I named Iris but is mostly just me, and the theme I chose was "love". I sketched it in pencil, then lined it with India ink and a calligraphy pen, then colored it with colored pencils. I really enjoyed the process. I'm trying to get more comfortable with inking my work because I enjoy it, but it is much easier to make mistakes with ink and I get really overwhelmed when I make a mistake on something I really want to be good. I'm a bit of a perfectionist at times

I really wasn't focused on anatomy or anything when I was drawing, I was just drawing what felt good. Also I'm unsure what size of photos works best on this website. What looks the best, from a reader's point of view. I never know if my photos are too big or too small.

Yesterday I also found my thrifted copies of Shonen JUMP. I have one magazine from August of 2011, and three from 2006. I was never really interested in the manga in these magazines (I guess the manga I am most interested in is Naruto), but I like to flip through them sometimes. Honestly I am more into shoujo manga, but I don't have any copies of the Shojo Beat magazines. I would like to subscribe to more manga magazines, but that art form feels lost in America these days.

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My evening out

Sun, 14 Dec 2025 18:16:41 GMT

Yesterday, I went out with my family to this holiday light show. It was pretty fun, but I got quite overwhelmed by 9:30 PM. I started getting worried about the drive back home, the crowd around us was getting louder, and I got a bit disoriented by all of the lights. But I tried to stay lighthearted, and my family kept checking to make sure I didn't get left behind or lost. When I get overwhelmed I go quiet and shut down, so they could tell it was getting to be too much for me. But I still had fun.

I was worried about going, because earlier I had a miscommunication/conflict with my mom and it triggered such bad paranoia that I locked myself in the bathroom, went completely mute, and just listened to funny music and tried breathing exercises. I really thought I was going to be killed! That's the very unfortunate part about experiencing paranoia, you think you are constantly unsafe and it can be very traumatizing to 100% believe that a loved one is going to kill you. It's hard to find closure for this type of trauma, though, because there is no "real" cause. My mom didn't really do anything wrong. Eventually I texted her my feelings, because I couldn't be verbal, and we apologized and made up for our parts in the argument. It was really scary though.

To leave this entry on a more positive note, I heard on YouTube that there is going to be a Moomin game about waking up from hibernation. That's pretty exciting! I wasn't into Moomin as a child, it just wasn't introduced to me. (I know that if I had found out about it back then I would have been obsessed with it). But as an adult I've really grown to enjoy the old show! EDIT: I found an article about this game!

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Hello

Fri, 12 Dec 2025 19:45:06 GMT

I am quite unsure of how to begin. This is an introduction post, so I guess I should talk a bit about who I am and why I'm making this little online journal.

As of right now, I'm not entirely comfortable with sharing my real name, so I guess I'll go by June for now, simply because I like that month. I am a man, I am in my early 20s, and I feel very out-of-sync with other people my age. I feel like I am in a cognitive place that is slower and I struggle to do things that others find easy. It's just how my brain is wired. Speaking of brain wiring, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder a few years ago, but it is something I have struggled with in different forms all throughout my life. The disorder, or maybe just my brain, makes it difficult to communicate with others. I misinterpret what they are saying or it all gets jumbled up in my head, and I don't know how to respond. Sometimes conversation just feels too overwhelming to my senses and I can't respond. I have always been a very quiet person, someone who doesn't speak out when I need help or when I have an issue with something. I just endure it quietly by myself. I don't want to burden others.

I like older things, some forms of new technology I simply can't grasp. In this fast-paced, high tech world I process things too slowly. So sometimes I prefer children's shows and books because it is less taxing on my brain. I handwrite things in a journal, I try to write something every day. I don't know if I'll be as diligent on this online journal, but it wouldn't hurt to try. I may post my drawings and photos I've taken as a little addition to my writing. This isn't my first dreamwidth, but my first one is more dedicated to my fan fiction and other fandom stuff. This is going to be a bit more personal. I also have a website under the same name, but I have not updated it in quite a while, so it is out of date.

I live in the west coast of the United States, and I have lived here my whole life. I am interested in other countries, most notably Japan, but I have never travelled outside of the US. I am in a community college, where I am getting an associate's degree in environmental studies. I don't really know what I want to do for my future, what job I want to get or where I want to live. I have never had a job before.

Recently, as the fall semester has wrapped up and I've finished all my final exams and projects, I've experienced a huge wave of anxiety and paranoia. It feels like I don't have the ability to relax, my body is on hypervigilant mode. It feels as though I am constantly running out of time or that I won't have enough time to finish all my tasks before Christmas. I don't think the holiday season and all of the pressure around this time has been helping. I live with my family still, which I am grateful for, but that comes with its own stresses. I'm hoping that this online journal helps me get out all these emotions, since I've always been better at writing than speaking.

Well, that's all for now, I think! I'm going to try and take it easy now. Maybe do some meditation or read or something. Hoping I can stop ruminating over all my current stressors and the future.

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